Deja Vu All Over Again, Again (WEP Entry)

This is a piece of flash fiction for the Write…Edit…Publish community. This is done every other month, check out April’s theme in my sidebar! My piece is very sensitive, be aware it may trigger some people. I talk about infertility from a female perspective. It was tough for me to write, so I did this last minute. It’s my story embellished. I added some things that other couples go through that I don’t have access to. I added some methods my husband and I have not tried. I hope it helps people see that many couples who don’t have children may not have chosen that path, though some do. Thank you.

 TRIGGER WARNING: This story is about a couple’s struggle with infertility. 

Deja Vu All Over Again, Again

© 2019 JM Weiner, All Rights Reserved

Word Count: 498 , FCA

The bathroom feels so cold. I’ve spent so many minutes of hope in here. I don’t dare hope anymore.

My husband waits in the adjoining bedroom until the alarm goes off. I don’t blame him. I sometimes wish I could too. We’ve both stopped using this bathroom for anything else. I used to love taking long baths in the huge bathtub.

Too many tests. Too many heartbreaks.

I feel broken. It’s the one thing I’m supposed to be able to do that he can’t. Sure, he’s a big part of the beginning. But I do all the rest for forty weeks.

It’s supposed to be my birthright. Or so I thought.

We’ve had all the tests. We’re both physically capable of conceiving. No one can tell us why we haven’t. We tried for a year the old fashioned way.

Next, we looked at all my periods from that year and figured out how long my “menstrual cycle” is. A perfect 28 days. I actually seem to start just about the time the moon is full. So we made special efforts to get our groove on when I was supposed to be fertile.
Another year, no pregnancy.

We studied so many online sites. We talked to other struggling couples. We talked to our family doctor and specialists. After all that, we decided to try this temperature thing everyone was talking about. You guessed it. Another year, no baby.

We did some more research. More talking. We came across a method that involved checking my cervical mucus. I’m sure you can imagine what that did for the romance and attraction. But he was a trooper and helped me with it. It was awkward for me, I can’t explain why. And yet another year passed without us getting pregnant.

Our insurance wouldn’t cover any fertility treatments at all. I forget why. It didn’t matter. We saved up all those years, just in case. So we took all our savings to a fertility specialist. We had enough for most of a year. That was miserable. Lots of negative tests after those implants and medicine and whatever.

I am so sick of feeling broken.

The negative tests aren’t even the worst part. You almost come to expect them after a while. It’s friends and family. “When are you going to have a family?” “When you going to give me grandbabies?” I just want to scream at them, “When you going to carry a kid for me?!”

I’m approaching forty fast. I don’t know if I want to be in my fifties or sixties when my child graduates from high school. We’ve looked into surrogacy. We can’t afford it. You know insurance won’t cover it. We’re open to adoption, but it can be costly too.

Why doesn’t insurance cover us building a family by means other than giving birth? It’s not my fault I’m damaged. 

There’s the damned timer. I guess I better wipe my tears before he comes in. I don’t even dare hope.


Author’s Note:

Please don’t ask me how the test came out. I don’t know. Hopefully, it was positive with a healthy, uneventful pregnancy. Please let me know what you thought. How can I make it a better story (but please don’t say give it a happy ending, I’m pleased with the ending)? Where does my writing shine? Where could I use some more practice?

Thanks so much for reading!

<3 JM

P.S.

If you enjoyed this story, you may enjoy my short story “The Haunting.” You can read it here. OR you can get a free electronic copy below!

Get a copy of my short story, The Haunting
Please fill out the info below and I'll send your story right away
We respect your privacy.
Summary
Deja Vu All Over Again, Again (Flash Fiction
Article Name
Deja Vu All Over Again, Again (Flash Fiction
Description
JM Weiner presents a flash fiction piece for Write...Edit...Publish. Trigger Warning:This deals with a couple's struggle with infertility. Word Count: 498.
Author
Publisher Name
JM Weiner

46 thoughts on “Deja Vu All Over Again, Again (WEP Entry)

  • February 20, 2019 at 9:04 AM
    Permalink

    Yours is a very powerful story. I’m sorry you have so much trouble with it, but I’m glad your husband supports you. I hope you get your heart’s desire in the end, whatever that desire might be.
    Olga Godim recently posted…WEP Feb 2019 – 28 DaysMy Profile

    Reply
    • February 20, 2019 at 9:48 AM
      Permalink

      I’m glad you enjoyed the story. I wish we had more options to try to conceive, but then again we could end up with more disappointments like the couple in the story. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  • February 20, 2019 at 2:58 PM
    Permalink

    Powerful! I wouldn’t change the ending – it is so real, such a true experience for so many. That spark of hope must be difficult to hold onto at times – but hold on anyway.
    Wishing you all the best!

    Reply
    • February 20, 2019 at 10:36 PM
      Permalink

      Thanks, Jemi! I’d Never change the ending. Sometimes I like to leave the actual outcome to the reader. And we’re holding on. But, again, maybe my child is someone else’s by birth. And that’s okay. They’ll still have all my love and devotion.

      Reply
  • February 20, 2019 at 4:38 PM
    Permalink

    This was so powerful. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I’ve known many people who struggle with infertility, and it’s difficult for them to talk about it. It definitely sucks that insurance covers so little when it comes to building a family. I wish that weren’t the case. There are so many people out there who would make wonderful parents but never get the chance.
    L.G. Keltner recently posted…WEP/IWSG February Challenge-28 DaysMy Profile

    Reply
    • February 20, 2019 at 10:34 PM
      Permalink

      Thank you, L.G. That’s so true. So many wonderful would be parents and so many news stories of such abuse. I cry so much sometimes. I yell at the TV, “Just bring those babies to ME. I’ll love them!” *sigh* Everything happens for a reason. There’s a child out there that needs me, and when I find them, they will know all the love I can give.

      Reply
    • February 20, 2019 at 10:31 PM
      Permalink

      Thank you, Christopher! 🙂

      Reply
  • February 21, 2019 at 12:25 AM
    Permalink

    Hello JMWeiner! It’s wonderful to read your flash, but not so wonderful to know you’re struggling to conceive. It must be a wretched feeling to feel so broken. Not to mention getting your hopes up only to have then dashed over and over again. I did a quick check and found that in Australia there is some health cover. So there should be.

    Thank you for sharing your personalized story for the 28 Days prompt. I wish you every success that one day your dream of a child will come true.

    Denise
    Denise Covey recently posted…#WEP/IWSG Challenge – 28 Days. My #flash fiction, Steps to Freedom.My Profile

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:01 AM
      Permalink

      Unfortunately, I live in the US. Our health system is so beyond broken. Hopefully, we can get it fixed for future generations. Thank you for the compliments and the well wishes, Denise. 🙂

      Reply
  • February 21, 2019 at 12:46 AM
    Permalink

    I think your portrayal of her frustration with other people’s insensitive comment is really well done. I think you could bring out her husband’s frustration more and how it affects her. Nice job. Was painful reading.

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:03 AM
      Permalink

      I’m sorry the reading was painful, Dixie, but maybe that means I did my job well? I wanted to focus on her in this piece. I wonder if I should have my husband do a piece from the male perspective? I’m so wrapped up in my own pain, that I don’t know if I could empathize with the male perspective just yet. Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  • February 21, 2019 at 7:34 AM
    Permalink

    What a tough struggle. As a woman who gets (got) pregnant even on birth control, I can’t imagine the frustration of not being able to conceive. But I’ve known women who envied me, and I had the grace to be thankful having children came so easily. Funny how insurance will pay for Viagra and male implants, but don’t like birth control or fertility treatment for women.

    I really felt this woman’s frustration at something a woman should naturally be successful at. You captured the pain and suffering expertly.

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:06 AM
      Permalink

      I almost do envy you, Dolorah. But I can imagine the surprise wasn’t easy to bear at first either! At least birth control is mandatory coverage in the US now. I appreciate the compliments on my story so much!

      Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:10 AM
      Permalink

      Hi, Nilanjana. It was hards to write. I literally wrote minutes before hitting publish. My husband proofread it for me. I didn’t trust anyone else with it. I’d turned it over in my head for weeks. I guess that’s why the first draft was decent. It was probably the 100th draft! I did leave the ending open so the reader could give the couple the ending the reader wanted them to have. Thanks for stopping by and especially for the comment!

      Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:12 AM
      Permalink

      It’s embellished. We’ve not tried IVF or anything but the “old fashioned” way and tracking my cycle. But we are struggling to conceive. And I have just turned 40. I love that you appreciated the ending! Thanks for commenting!

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 7:10 AM
    Permalink

    The older I get, the more I think that “friends and family” need to take the letters MYOB to heart. It’s cruel to needle someone about having children, particularly if they want children but have been having difficulty. I’ve known more than one person who doesn’t want children but has family members badgering them to start a family. In my case I had a child (who, due to life circumstances turned out to be my only child) but was told I was selfish and he would turn out to be selfish if he wasn’t given a brother or sister. I think having children is a very personal matter and “friends and family” shouldn’t assume it was their place to tell anyone else what to do.
    Sorry for the rant, but actually, it’s a compliment. The piece made me think. Well done.
    The Real Cie recently posted…Love, Lust, and Lunacy is Live and Free for a Limited Time!My Profile

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:13 AM
      Permalink

      I love that my story inspired a rant! It means you felt something, that is the highest compliment I could receive, ever! Thank you so much

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 11:37 AM
    Permalink

    Hi JM – we can’t tell people how to live when we’ve no idea what they’re dealing with. I know many couples who have struggled and I don’t have any of my own … but I know it’s what we feel we should have. Good luck – relax and perhaps the magic will happen … all I can say is have a wonderful happy marriage together and enjoy the others around you. Well told though as you understand from experience – cheers Hilary
    Hilary recently posted…28 Days … and the 28 that got away …My Profile

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:18 AM
      Permalink

      I do understand, unfortunately. We are enjoying each other and our 6 furbabies. We know we are blessed in many ways. I’m starting to figure there is a child out there who will need us at some point which is why maybe we aren’t having one of our own. Or maybe we are meant to advocate for children in another way. But we have each other, and that is a miracle in itself.

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 11:53 AM
    Permalink

    This is such an emotional piece, I really felt the sadness and exhaustion. It is tragic that so many couples experience this heartbreak, and that it’s often made worse by well-meaning but tactless comments from friends and family. I wish you all the best with your personal journey.
    Anstice Brown recently posted…#WEPFF February Challenge: 28 DaysMy Profile

    Reply
    • February 24, 2019 at 5:34 AM
      Permalink

      Thanks for the well wishes, Anstice. It’s been tough in some ways, but at least my husband and I have each other. It is pretty bad that this problem is still so bad in so many places and so expensive to get help for, plus the stigma we still feel.

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 3:30 PM
    Permalink

    Such a heartfelt piece of writing, you cover the emotions of every month hoping, every month’s disappointment, the impact of clinical and mechanical means to try and ensure a positive outcome. It was a very difficult subject for you to write about. Wishing you and your husband good luck for the future.

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:20 AM
      Permalink

      Thank you so much for the well wishes, Sally. It was hard but so worth it. Thanks for coming by.

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 5:32 PM
    Permalink

    What a powerful story! I wouldn’t dare change that ending; it speaks so much truth. I’m sorry you’ve had so much struggle in conceiving, but I’m glad to hear that your husband is supportive. I’m also happy to see that you are able to write about your experience and use the strength you’ve developed in your writing. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 10:51 PM
      Permalink

      Hey, Toi. The ending is probably my favorite part as it lets the reader choose where the couple heads from there. I’m glad you found it powerful, that’s an amazing compliment for me. My husband is so awesome. I know sharing our stories, even if fictionalized, is how we break through stigma and so much more. I’m glad I fought through my fears and pain to share this. The comments here are so helpful and encouraging on many fronts

      Reply
  • February 22, 2019 at 7:36 PM
    Permalink

    Well, a have a couple of friends who have been through this, but at least in the UK there is access to IVF clinics. The most poignant thing that you put across so well is the pressure from friends and family. I wish you success. Your journey in writing is definitely positive 🙂

    Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 5:22 AM
      Permalink

      There is access to IVF here in the US, but it’s costly. The friends and family thing can be so terrible! I haven’t faced it personally, but I’ve heard so many stories. I appreciate the positive wishes and hope my writing goes as you say!

      Reply
    • February 23, 2019 at 10:34 PM
      Permalink

      Thank you. It’s easy to capture when you’ve been there. Next WEP, I’m going to try something a little harder

      Reply
  • February 23, 2019 at 11:31 PM
    Permalink

    I don’t think you need to change anything. This was writing straight from the heart and should be left as is.
    I deeply wish you wouldn’t call yourself ‘damaged’ or ‘broken’ because you’re really not. And, yes, I realize you may have only used it in this context and it’s very easy for me to say, but I believe, somehow, your time will come to be a mother. It may not be in the traditional sense but to someone, a person who really, really needs a mother figure in their lives, you might become that. Before then, I sincerely hope your and your husband’s dreams come through. I wish I could help. ❤️

    Reply
    • February 24, 2019 at 2:54 AM
      Permalink

      It truly was from the heart, and heart-wrenching at the time. It did help to get it out, I think. I’m okay most of the time. But I have days when I feel broken and damaged–and not just because of the infertility issues. I do keep wondering who out there needs us as parental figures, and asking the powers to be to help us find them. It doesn’t matter if a child is of my blood or not. I love all children and will fight for any child in need. One of the things that keeps me so tired is the news stories day after day of children being killed and abused. I really have hollered at the tv or the computer scream to bring those poor kids to me, I have more than enough love to go around.

      Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments here and on Instagram, Cassidy. They mean more than words can say.

      Reply
  • February 24, 2019 at 4:57 AM
    Permalink

    I think you captured the woman’s pain as well as her husbands. After reading a few comments, I take it that this is semi autobiographical. I’m so sorry for that. My daughter has one child, no husband and she won’t be able to have anymore. A lot of miscarriages. She used to cry, but now she focuses on her son. Well written.
    Nancy

    Reply
    • February 24, 2019 at 7:37 PM
      Permalink

      Hi, Nancy. Thanks for the comment. I’m slowly getting better with accepting that our path to parenthood being something less traditional. I’m glad your daughter has healed from her pain. She will find someone to be the partner and father she and her son needs, in time. My thoughts are with all of you on your paths.

      Reply
  • February 24, 2019 at 7:46 AM
    Permalink

    I don’t think you should change the ending, it only brings out the dread of knowing the result.
    Bernadette recently posted…What Happened?My Profile

    Reply
    • February 24, 2019 at 7:34 PM
      Permalink

      Hi, Bernadette. Thanks for the comment. I’m gald you agree the end is good as it is. Hope to see you again soon <3

      Reply
  • February 25, 2019 at 6:48 AM
    Permalink

    A sensitive subject but one that occurs to more people than we think. I always thought if I couldn’t conceive, then I’d adopt or adapt. It’s a personal decision whether to have kids or not, and some who don’t have kids are pretty well adapted to a couples’ lifestyle. One young couple complained to me that they always have to explain to the relatives and get chastised for their decision. Maybe fate has other things in store for you, other than being a parent. I thought your writing has tension, emotion, and hope infused in it, which to me creates a heartfelt story.

    Reply
    • February 25, 2019 at 7:33 PM
      Permalink

      Hey, DG. Thanks for your comment. It is so sensitive. It’s sad the couple had such a negative experience. Reproductive decisions or struggles are no one else’s business, ya know? I’m glad you enjoyed my story. Hope you have a great rest of the week!

      Reply
    • March 3, 2019 at 5:51 PM
      Permalink

      Thanks, Roland

      Reply
    • March 3, 2019 at 5:50 PM
      Permalink

      Thank you, Michelle. My pleasure to share, once I got over the fear. Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
  • March 4, 2019 at 9:19 AM
    Permalink

    Beautiful, and sad. You definitely captured the feeling of that monthly “failure”—it took us longer than we wanted to conceive the first time, and your story brought back the feelings I had each time my period came. And that was only for about a year, nothing compared to what you and your protagonist have been through. I’m wishing you, and her, all the best, whatever the outcome.

    Reply
    • March 4, 2019 at 5:37 PM
      Permalink

      Hi, Rebecca. Thanks for stopping by. Your comment is a major compliment, although I hate that you relived those old hurts. Thanks for the well wishes. I’m sure my protagonist and I will find what we are wishing for, even if it isn’t by “traditional” means.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.